Sable Monroe

People tell you to be careful who you have children with, but most of the warnings are usually about the obvious things.

Make sure they have a job. Make sure they are responsible. Make sure they are not abusive. Make sure they want children.

All of that matters.

But one thing I do not think people talk about enough is this: make sure your values are aligned.

Because raising a child with someone who is fundamentally different from you can become its own kind of exhausting work.

I am not talking about small disagreements. One parent prefers public school and the other prefers private school. One likes strict bedtimes and the other is more relaxed. Those things can be worked through.

I am talking about deeper differences.

What does this person believe children should tolerate?

What do they do when a relative insults your child?

Do they believe children deserve privacy?

Do they believe adults should apologize to children?

Do they think keeping the peace is more important than telling the truth?

Do they believe family should be protected even when family is harmful?

Do they care more about appearances than what is actually happening inside the house?

Those differences matter.

A lot.

Because your child is watching both of you.

Children do not just learn from what parents say. They learn from what parents allow.

If one parent tells a child, “You deserve respect,” while the other parent teaches them to tolerate disrespect because “that is just how Grandpa is,” those two messages are fighting each other.

If one parent teaches a child to advocate for themselves while the other avoids conflict at all costs, the child is watching both examples.

If one parent says, “Your body is your business,” while the other allows relatives to comment on the child’s weight, appearance, or body without pushing back, the child is learning something from that too.

And this does not necessarily stop when the child turns 18.

That is something I did not fully understand when I was younger.

Co-parenting can follow you well into your child’s adulthood.

Your adult children may still spend time around the other parent’s family. They may still be exposed to the same unhealthy dynamics. They may still watch one parent tolerate disrespect, avoid hard conversations, or pretend everything is fine because everyone took a nice picture around the Thanksgiving turkey.

And if you are the parent who sees the problem differently, you become the counterweight.

You are not just parenting.

You are parenting against something.

You are trying to teach the child what healthy boundaries look like while another adult is normalizing the opposite.

You are trying to teach them that peace does not mean silence.

That family does not get unlimited access.

That disrespect does not become acceptable because an elder delivered it.

That being related to someone does not mean you have to tolerate everything from them.

That is exhausting.

And sometimes I think people are better off choosing single parenthood intentionally than having children with someone whose values are completely incompatible with their own.

That does not mean single parenting is easy.

It is not.

One person carries more responsibility. More financial pressure. More logistical work. More emotional labor.

But there is a difference between doing the work alone and doing the work while someone else is constantly undermining the lessons you are trying to teach.

If you go into parenthood alone by choice, at least you know what the structure is.

You know the responsibility belongs to you.

You know what values you are teaching.

You know what kind of household you are building.

But when you have children with someone whose moral compass points in a completely different direction, you may spend years trying to undo what they normalize.

That can be harder than being alone.

If I could give younger people one piece of advice, it would be this:

Do not only ask yourself whether this person will make a good boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife.

Ask yourself whether you want this person shaping a human being.

Ask yourself whether you want your child learning from the way this person handles anger, money, family, conflict, loyalty, accountability, boundaries, and respect.

Watch how they treat people they do not need.

Watch how they behave when they are wrong.

Watch whether they can apologize.

Watch whether they stand up to their own family.

Watch whether they protect peace, or whether they protect people.

Watch what they excuse.

Watch what they tolerate.

Because one day, your child may absorb those lessons too.

Parenting is not just about creating a child.

It is about creating an environment.

And sometimes, one healthy parent is better than two parents constantly teaching opposite lessons.